Author’s practical guidance
The four seconds before you shout
Shouting almost never arrives out of nowhere.
Say this now
(to yourself) "This is my body, not an emergency."
Names what is happening without arguing with it. Arguing takes longer than four seconds.
“I'm getting too loud. I'm going to the kitchen for a minute. I'm coming back.”
Say what you are doing and that you return. Children fear the leaving, not the pause.
Do this
- Put something between you and the moment: a doorway, a sink, a window.
- Drop your shoulders and breathe out longer than you breathe in. The out-breath is the part that slows you.
- Put down whatever is in your hands.
- Say the sentence out loud, even badly.
- Come back within the time you promised, even if you are not calm yet.
Avoid this
- "I need to calm down first" — an instruction with no action attached. It has never worked in four seconds.
- Explaining why you are angry while you are still angry.
- Leaving the room and slamming the door — the exit is right, the slam is the part they remember.
If it repeats
Notice when, not why. Most parents have one or two hours in the day when it happens, and they are the hours with the least food, the least sleep and the most demands. Changing the hour does more than working on the anger.
Why the book suggests this
Shouting almost never arrives out of nowhere. There is a short window — a few seconds — in which your body has already decided and your mind has not caught up: jaw tight, breath high in the chest, a hot feeling behind the eyes. Most parents can learn to notice that window. Almost nobody is taught to.
What happens inside it is not a test of character. Anger is the ordinary output of a nervous system that is tired, overloaded and being asked for one more thing. The question is not whether you feel it. It is what you do in the four seconds after you notice.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.