Author’s practical guidance
"I do not like my child today"
Source named in the book: AAP guidance on parental mental health · self-compassion research (Neff)
Loving someone and liking them on a Tuesday are different things, and nobody says this out loud about children.
Say this now
(to yourself) "I don't like them today. I still love them. Both are allowed."
Said plainly, it shrinks. Suppressed, it grows.
“Let's do something side by side.”
Shoulder to shoulder is easier than face to face when you have nothing left.
Do this
- Get physical distance before you get emotional distance: a shift with the other adult, an hour out.
- Do one ordinary thing together that requires no warmth — a walk, a shop, a task.
- Look at photographs of them from a month ago. It is a cheap trick and it works.
- Say it to one adult who will not be shocked.
- Give it a week before you conclude anything.
Avoid this
- Overcompensating with treats and closeness you do not feel — children read the mismatch.
- Confessing it to the child, in any form.
- Deciding it means something permanent about you as a parent.
If it repeats
If the feeling lasts weeks rather than days, or if what you feel is nothing at all rather than dislike, tell your doctor. Numbness is a recognized sign of depression in parents, it is treatable, and it is not a verdict on your love.
Why the book suggests this
Loving someone and liking them on a Tuesday are different things, and nobody says this out loud about children. You can love your child completely and find them, today, exhausting and hard to be near. Both are true; only one of them can be said out loud, which is why the thought feels monstrous.
It is also usually about a phase rather than a person. Three-year-olds go through weeks that are genuinely hard to like. The feeling passes with the phase — and reporting it honestly to yourself is what stops it turning into distance.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.