Author’s practical guidance
Your child prefers the other parent
Source named in the book: coparenting research (Feinberg) · Emotion coaching (Gottman)
Around two, and again around four, many children pick a favorite and announce it repeatedly, at volume, usually to the parent who does the most.
Say this now
“You want Daddy tonight. I'm here too.”
Accept without arguing and without leaving. That is the whole answer.
(to yourself) "This is a phase with my name on it, not a verdict."
It reverses, often within weeks, and often onto the other parent.
Do this
- Stay in the room. Rejection plus withdrawal teaches them the rejection worked.
- Take the jobs they cannot refuse: driving, cooking, being there at three in the morning.
- Find one thing that is only yours — a walk, a song, a game the other parent does not do.
- Ask the preferred parent to route things back: "Ask Mommy, she's doing books tonight."
- Let the preferred parent say plainly that they are tired of being the only one.
Avoid this
- Showing them it hurt, at length.
- "Fine, go to Daddy then." — withdrawal delivered as a lesson.
- Competing for their affection with treats.
If it repeats
Phases like this usually run six to twelve weeks and then flip. If it lasts much longer, look at how much ordinary time you and the child actually get with nothing else happening — ten minutes a day changes it faster than anything you can say.
Why the book suggests this
Around two, and again around four, many children pick a favorite and announce it repeatedly, at volume, usually to the parent who does the most. It is a developmental phase, and it is almost never a report on the quality of your care.
What it usually is: a small person practicing choice. Preferring is one of the few powers they have, and they use it on the safest available target — which is you, because you will not leave.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.