Author’s practical guidance
Candy, screens and "just this once"
This is the most common flashpoint in the arrangement, and it has been measured.
Say this now
“One treat is yours to give. Which one?”
Hands them a real permission — which is what makes the limit acceptable.
“In our house it's after dinner. At yours, you decide the when.”
Separates what is fixed from what is genuinely theirs.
Do this
- Pick the two rules that actually matter and let the rest go.
- Say them once, in advance, away from the child.
- Give them something to say yes to. Grandparents need a job that is not refusing.
- Tell the child plainly that rules differ by place: "Grandma's house has Grandma's rules."
- Reset at home without commentary about the visit.
Avoid this
- Listing the rules at the door as they arrive.
- Letting it go for two years and then exploding about a cookie.
- "You never let ME have that" — true, and it starts a completely different argument.
If it repeats
If the same two rules keep being broken, decide whether they matter more than the visits. Some do — sleep before a daycare day, an allergy. Most do not, and a grandparent who is trusted with something usually breaks less of everything else.
Why the book suggests this
This is the most common flashpoint in the arrangement, and it has been measured. In a national poll of more than two thousand parents, 43 percent reported disagreements with grandparents about parenting. Discipline led the list at 57 percent, meals and snacks came second at 44, screen time third at 36.
So the candy is not a personal failing of your mother. It is the most predictable friction point there is, and it happens because grandparents are doing a different job. Theirs is delight. Yours is Tuesday.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.