Author’s practical guidance
"In my day we smacked, and we turned out fine"
Source named in the book: AAP guidance on discipline · coparenting research (Feinberg)
This sentence is rarely about method.
Say this now
“You did fine. We're doing it differently.”
Answers the real question first, then states the rule. In that order.
“In our house nobody gets hit. That one isn't up for discussion.”
Short and final. No reasons — reasons invite a debate.
Do this
- Answer the fear, not the argument.
- Separate the non-negotiable from the preference and defend only the first.
- Say it once, calmly, and change the subject.
- Never litigate it in front of the child.
- Ask the other parent to say the same sentence when it is their family.
Avoid this
- Citing studies. You will win the point and lose the visit.
- "That's why I'm like this." — the most expensive sentence available in this conversation.
- Agreeing to keep the peace, then being furious about it for a week.
If it repeats
If hitting is actually happening rather than being discussed, this is no longer a conversation about styles. Unsupervised visits stop until it stops. You are allowed to say that plainly and without apologizing for it.
Why the book suggests this
This sentence is rarely about method. It is about being told, thirty years later, that you did it wrong — and the person saying it loves you, which makes the sting worse rather than better.
Which is why arguing the evidence almost never works. You can be entirely right about what is known now and still lose, because the argument they are actually having is "was I a bad mother," and no amount of research answers that question.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.