Author’s practical guidance
They criticize you in front of the child
Source named in the book: coparenting research (Feinberg) · Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg)
Being corrected in front of your child is not merely embarrassing.
Say this now
“Let's talk about it later, not now.”
The same sentence as with your partner, and for the same reason.
(later, privately) "When you say it in front of her, she stops listening to me."
The effect on the child, not the offense to you. Truer, and easier to hear.
Do this
- Move it out of the room and out of the child's hearing.
- Have the private conversation the same day, or it will not happen at all.
- Ask for a specific behavior — "tell me afterwards" — not for a change of attitude.
- Let the parent whose mother it is lead the conversation.
- Say thank you for the help that actually was help.
Avoid this
- Arguing back in front of the child.
- Laughing it off every time until it becomes the house style.
- Sending the other parent to deal with their own mother and doing nothing else.
If it repeats
Repeat the same sentence in the same words rather than escalating. Most people adjust after the third time. Almost nobody adjusts after the first.
Why the book suggests this
Being corrected in front of your child is not merely embarrassing. It tells the child, in the only language they have, that your authority is provisional — that there is somebody above you who can overrule the rules you set.
Grandparents rarely intend this. They are usually offering help in the form in which they were given it. But intention does not change what the child hears.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.