Author’s practical guidance
"But he asked me for it"
Source named in the book: Positive Discipline (Nelsen) · coparenting research (Feinberg)
This is the version that stings most, because the rule was broken and then the responsibility was handed to the child.
Say this now
“Of course he asked. Asking is his job. Saying no is ours.”
Puts the responsibility back where it belongs, without an accusation.
(to the child) "You asked, Grandpa said yes. That's on the grown-ups."
Takes it off them out loud, which is the part that matters.
Do this
- Never let the child stand as the reason.
- Agree the answer in advance for the two things they always ask for.
- Give the grandparent a line to use. "Ask your mom" is not it; "Not today, but you choose the story" is.
- Correct the frame, not the person.
- Let the treat stand once it is given. Taking it back punishes the wrong person.
Avoid this
- Telling the child off for asking.
- "You know he'll ask, that's the point."
- Making the child confirm what happened in front of everyone.
If it repeats
If it keeps happening on the same item, remove the item from the situation rather than the rule from the person — leave the tablet at home, make the visit after lunch.
Why the book suggests this
This is the version that stings most, because the rule was broken and then the responsibility was handed to the child. A three-year-old asked for a second ice cream, which is what three-year-olds do, and the adult who said yes has placed the decision on them.
Children absorb this. Asked often enough to carry an adult's choice, they learn that getting things is a matter of finding the right adult — a skill they will practice on you for the next fifteen years.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.