Author’s practical guidance
Their rules and your rules disagree
Source named in the book: RIE (Gerber) · Positive Discipline (Nelsen)
Children manage different rules in different places easily.
Say this now
“Can you tell me the thinking behind it?”
Asked genuinely, it resolves more than half of these before they become disagreements.
(to your child) "Different rules there. Ours start again at home."
The same sentence as for Grandma's house, and it works for the same reason.
Do this
- Ask before you object.
- Separate what affects your child directly from what merely differs.
- Raise it with the person responsible, once, in private.
- Accept the ones you can live with out loud, so the child hears no contest.
- Keep your own rules running at home without commentary.
Avoid this
- Telling your child that the daycare rule is silly.
- Demanding an exception without asking why the rule exists.
- Complaining to other parents instead of to the person who can change it.
If it repeats
If a rule genuinely harms your child — food shaming, forced apologies, comfort withheld on principle — that is not a difference of style. It is worth escalating properly rather than tolerating.
Why the book suggests this
Children manage different rules in different places easily. What they cannot manage is a rule that is contested in front of them — the same principle as with grandparents, but with an institution, and with far less room to negotiate.
There is another difference too. Staff are professionals with reasons, and some of their rules exist because of children other than yours. A rule that looks arbitrary usually has a child behind it whom you have never met.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.