Author’s practical guidance
Leaving your crying child at the door
Source named in the book: AAP · RIE (Gerber)
Crying at drop-off peaks between one and three, and it is a sign of attachment working rather than failing.
Say this now
“One hug, then I go. I'll be back after nap.”
The same words every day, in the same order. Predictability is what shortens it.
(to staff) "Send me a message in ten minutes if she doesn't settle."
Gives you a fact instead of an imagination.
Do this
- Keep the goodbye short and identical every single day.
- Say when you are coming back in their terms: after lunch, after nap.
- Hand over to a specific person, not to the room.
- Leave when you said you would leave.
- Ask for the ten-minute message. Almost every parent who gets it stops needing it.
Avoid this
- Sneaking out — it saves you thirty seconds and costs them the ability to relax while you are there.
- Coming back for one more hug. It restarts the goodbye from the beginning.
- Lingering in the corridor where they can hear you.
If it repeats
Crying that does not settle within about ten minutes, or that gets worse over weeks rather than better, is worth raising with staff. Most separation crying fades within two weeks of a consistent goodbye.
Why the book suggests this
Crying at drop-off peaks between one and three, and it is a sign of attachment working rather than failing. Staff report the same thing almost universally: the crying stops within minutes of the parent leaving, and the longer the goodbye, the longer the crying.
Knowing that does not make it easier to walk away. But it does answer the question you are actually asking, which is whether you are damaging them. You are not.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.