Author’s practical guidance
Your child hurt another child badly
Source named in the book: PCIT · AAP
There is a moment, after the scream, when two things happen at once: you need to help a hurt child who is not yours, and you are standing beside the one who did it, in front of their parent.
Say this now
(to the other parent, first) "I'm so sorry. What does he need?"
Attend to the injury before the explanation. Every other conversation goes better after this one.
(to your child, later and quietly) "You hurt him. We're going to help him feel better."
The fact and the repair. No interrogation, and no lecture in public.
Do this
- Go to the hurt child first, with your child watching.
- Take responsibility out loud without taking on a verdict about your parenting.
- Give the other parent your details if it is serious. It defuses almost everything.
- Do the teaching at home, hours later, in two sentences.
- Give your child a job in the repair: a tissue, an ice pack, carrying something.
Avoid this
- Making your child apologize while the other parent watches — it produces performance and teaches nothing.
- Explaining developmental stages to a parent whose child is bleeding.
- Minimizing: "they're both fine, it's what they do."
If it repeats
One serious incident is an accident. A pattern is a supervision question first — shadowing closely at playdates for two weeks — and a behavior question only after that. If it continues past four, or your child seems to intend the harm, raise it with your pediatrician.
Why the book suggests this
There is a moment, after the scream, when two things happen at once: you need to help a hurt child who is not yours, and you are standing beside the one who did it, in front of their parent. Almost nobody handles this well the first time.
Worth knowing in advance: at two and three, hurting another child is a skills problem rather than a moral one. That stays true even when the injury is real. The injury changes what you have to do next. It does not change what your child understood.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.