Author’s practical guidance
An adult grabbed or hit your child
Source named in the book: AAP guidance on discipline · Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg)
This is the hardest situation in the book, because two instincts arrive together and pull in opposite directions: protect the child, and keep the peace with an adult you may have to see again — a relative, a neighbor, somebody on staff.
Say this now
(immediately, flat) "No. We don't do that."
Four words, no discussion — then remove the child from the situation.
(as soon as you are alone) "That was not okay. You did nothing wrong."
Say it explicitly. A child who is not told this concludes they deserved it.
Do this
- Get physically between them and take the child away.
- Have the conversation with the adult later, without the child present.
- Say what happens next rather than asking for an apology: no unsupervised time until this is settled.
- Tell the other parent the same day, in full.
- Write down what happened while you still remember it exactly.
Avoid this
- Arguing it out in front of the child.
- Sending your child back to that person before the conversation has happened.
- "They're old-fashioned, they didn't mean it" — a sentence that will be repeated back to you later.
If it repeats
If it is a caregiver or a member of staff, this goes to whoever is responsible for them, in writing, the same week. If it is family, unsupervised time stops. You do not need anybody's agreement to make that decision.
Why the book suggests this
This is the hardest situation in the book, because two instincts arrive together and pull in opposite directions: protect the child, and keep the peace with an adult you may have to see again — a relative, a neighbor, somebody on staff.
There is no version of this in which hitting a child who is not yours is acceptable, and no version in which discussing it in front of the child helps. Both are true, and the order matters.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.