Author’s practical guidance
Jealous of whoever else your child loves
Source named in the book: coparenting research (Feinberg) · Emotion coaching (Gottman)
The daycare worker they run to.
Say this now
(to yourself) "More people loving my child is not less love for me."
True, and it takes several repetitions before it lands.
(to your child) "You love Nina. I'm glad."
Said plainly, it protects them from having to manage your feelings.
Do this
- Say it once to one adult, so it stops growing in private.
- Take the good hour occasionally: swap so that you get a morning, not only bedtimes.
- Notice which relationship it is really about. It is often the other parent.
- Keep the person your child loves close rather than at a distance.
- Don't test them by asking who they love most.
Avoid this
- Competing with a daycare worker.
- Making the child choose, out loud or by implication.
- Cooling toward the person your child loves.
If it repeats
Jealousy that stays sharp usually means you have too little ordinary time with the child, not that somebody else has too much. That is a scheduling problem, and scheduling problems are solvable.
Why the book suggests this
The daycare worker they run to. The grandmother who gets the best hour of the day. The other parent, sometimes. Jealousy about this is common, and almost nobody admits it, because saying it out loud sounds like wanting your child to have less.
It usually comes from scarcity rather than possessiveness. When you get so little of them, watching somebody else get the easy part is genuinely painful — and it says more about how thin your own time is than about the relationship.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.