Author’s practical guidance
Missing your old life, and feeling monstrous about it
Missing sleep, silence, spontaneity and your own unbroken thoughts is not the same as regretting your child.
Say this now
(to yourself) "I miss my old life. I wouldn't give this one back."
Both halves out loud. Said together, it stops being a confession.
(to another parent) "Do you ever miss before?"
The answer is almost always yes, and it dissolves most of it.
Do this
- Say it once to somebody who has children.
- Take back one specific thing rather than mourning the whole life: a coffee alone, an evening out.
- Notice which part you actually miss. Usually silence or autonomy, rarely the parties.
- Let it be true without acting on it.
- Expect it to fade as they grow, and to return briefly at every new stage.
Avoid this
- Testing the thought against how much you love them. It proves nothing either way.
- Saying it to somebody who will be shocked.
- Deciding it means you should not have had children.
If it repeats
Missing your old life is ordinary. Feeling nothing about the new one is different, and it is worth telling your doctor about. That is not nostalgia, and it is treatable.
Why the book suggests this
Missing sleep, silence, spontaneity and your own unbroken thoughts is not the same as regretting your child. But at two in the morning the two feel identical, and the second one is unspeakable — so the first gets buried along with it.
Almost every parent has this. Almost nobody says it, which is precisely what makes it feel like evidence of something wrong with you.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Grown-Up
45 prepared situations in this family area.