Author’s practical guidance
"Are you going to live together again?"
Source named in the book: research on children in separated families (Emery)
Hope for reunion is close to universal in young children and it does not mean the child is struggling.
Say this now
“No. We're not going to live together again.”
The whole answer. Nothing after it.
“I know you want that. It's still not going to happen.”
Warm and clear at the same time.
Do this
- Answer in one sentence with no qualifier attached to it.
- Use the same words each time so the answer is recognizable as the same answer.
- Let them be sad about it without rushing to fix the sadness.
- Do not soften it because you feel bad saying it.
- Keep your own contact steady so the answer is not contradicted by behavior.
Avoid this
- "Maybe one day. Who knows." Keeps them working on it for years.
- "Would you like that?" Invites them to campaign.
- "That's up to your father." Puts the answer on somebody who is not here.
If it repeats
This question can run for a year or more, and repetition on its own is not a warning sign. What matters is whether the child can hear the answer and move on afterward, not whether they have stopped asking.
Why the book suggests this
Hope for reunion is close to universal in young children and it does not mean the child is struggling. Research with separated families describes it lasting a long time, surviving remarriage in some cases, and fading when the answer stays the same rather than when it is delivered well.
The reason a soft answer is not kind is that it keeps the question open. A child who is told maybe will keep checking, and every check costs them something. A clear no is the version they can eventually put down.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.