Author’s practical guidance
They ask you what they already asked the other parent
Source named in the book: coparenting research (Feinberg)
Coparenting research treats consistency between households as something children actively check rather than passively receive.
Say this now
“You already asked Dad? Good. What did you want to know?”
Relaxed, and it keeps them talking.
“We'll both tell you the same thing on that one.”
States the expectation you want to be true.
Do this
- Answer without asking what he said first.
- Match the answers that matter and leave the rest alone.
- If your answers differ, fix it between the adults and go back with one version.
- Say "we decided" for anything joint, even when you decided it alone.
- Never ask them to compare the two answers for you.
Avoid this
- "What did your father say?" Turns them into the messenger between you.
- Giving a better answer to win the comparison.
- "Don't ask him, ask me." Makes one parent the official source, which they will resent later.
If it repeats
Frequent cross-checking usually means the answers have not been matching. Pick the handful that matter, agree the wording once, and the checking stops on its own within a few weeks.
Why the book suggests this
Coparenting research treats consistency between households as something children actively check rather than passively receive. Asking both adults the same question is how a four-year-old finds out whether the world has one set of facts in it or two.
It is easy to read as manipulation, and at this age it almost never is. Working the adults against each other is a later skill. What is happening now is closer to testing whether the floor holds.
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45 prepared situations in this family area.