Author’s practical guidance
Arguing where they can hear, including on the phone
Source named in the book: emotional security and parental conflict (Cummings & Davies)
Research on emotional security finds that what harms children is not that parents disagree but that the disagreement is hostile and unresolved in front of them.
Say this now
“That was a grown-up argument. It's finished now.”
Closes the loop they are holding open.
“We were cross with each other. Not with you.”
The distinction they cannot make on their own.
Do this
- Take every call outside or after they are asleep.
- Use writing for anything difficult rather than voice.
- If they heard it, close it out loud the same day.
- Say what got resolved, not what it was about.
- Assume they heard. They usually did.
Avoid this
- Taking the call in the kitchen because they are watching something.
- Whispering furiously. The tone carries and the content does not, which is worse.
- "That was nothing." Contradicts what they just heard and teaches them not to ask.
If it repeats
Ongoing hostility that a child witnesses is the part of a separation research links most consistently to harm. If it cannot be reduced, reduce their exposure to it, and the last block of this book covers when to get help with that.
Why the book suggests this
Research on emotional security finds that what harms children is not that parents disagree but that the disagreement is hostile and unresolved in front of them. A child who hears an argument start and never hears it end keeps the open half.
Phone calls are the version most people miss. You can only hear your own side, so it feels contained. The child hears a parent with a hard voice in a room, which is the whole of what registers at four.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.