Author’s practical guidance
"Daddy lets me"
Source named in the book: adaptability as a temperament dimension (Chess & Thomas)
Children handle two sets of rules better than adults expect.
Say this now
“He might. Here it's this way.”
Concedes the fact, keeps the rule.
“You know the rules in both houses.”
Credits them with the skill they actually have.
Do this
- Answer in five words and go back to what you were doing.
- Never dispute the claim. It is not the point and it may be true.
- Keep your own rules unchanged that day, especially that day.
- Use the same reply every time so it stops being interesting.
- Do not raise it with him unless it is one of the agreed three.
Avoid this
- "Well, he shouldn't." Answers the lever instead of ignoring it.
- "Fine, do it your way then." Teaches them the sentence works.
- "Is that what he told you?" Opens an investigation into the other house.
If it repeats
The sentence fades once it stops producing anything. If it is attached to one specific rule every time rather than to whatever is being refused, that particular rule may be worth agreeing between the adults.
Why the book suggests this
Children handle two sets of rules better than adults expect. Temperament research on adaptability describes exactly this capacity: a child works out that a setting has its own rules and applies them, the same way they already know that daycare is not home and grandma's is neither.
So the sentence is usually not confusion. It is a lever, tried in the ordinary way children try levers, and it keeps being tried for exactly as long as it produces a reaction worth the effort.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.