Author’s practical guidance
"She's not my mom"
Source named in the book: research on families that continue as two households (Ahrons)
Studies of families that continue as two households after divorce describe children defending the boundaries of who is what, sometimes for years.
Say this now
“You're right. She isn't. She's Sam.”
Agrees immediately. That is what defuses it.
“You have one mom. Sam is a grown-up who helps here.”
Two categories, both intact.
Do this
- Agree with them out loud, every time, without hesitating.
- Use her name, never a family word, and never "your new mom."
- Brief her before it happens so she does not improvise a reply.
- Keep the other parent visible — photographs, calls, the word mom used normally.
- Let the relationship find its own name over years.
Avoid this
- "Don't be rude." Punishes them for saying something true.
- "She's like a second mom to you." Argues against a fact they are certain of.
- Making her the one who answers it. Puts an adult and a child in a contest.
If it repeats
Said often, it usually means somebody is pushing a role. Check who is doing the pushing before you look at the child. The sentence tends to stop once nobody is arguing with it.
Why the book suggests this
Studies of families that continue as two households after divorce describe children defending the boundaries of who is what, sometimes for years. The sentence is not rejection of the person. It is a correction of the category, and the category matters enormously at four.
It is also, usually, correct. She is their mother in no sense at all, and the adults who handle this best agree with the child out loud rather than negotiating with the statement.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.