Author’s practical guidance
A year on, and nothing has settled
Source named in the book: reviews of outcomes for children after divorce (Amato)
Reviews of what happens to children after divorce find average differences that are small and outcomes that vary enormously from one child to the next.
Say this now
“This has been a hard year. It shouldn't stay this hard.”
Says the true thing about the length of it.
“I'm going to get some help with it.”
Models asking for help as an ordinary act.
Do this
- List what has actually changed in twelve months, in writing.
- Check the schedule first. Unreliable weeks account for much of this.
- Look at your own state honestly — parental recovery drives the child's.
- Ask daycare for their view across the whole year.
- Take the list to the appointment.
Avoid this
- "It's only been a year." True, and it is also long enough to look properly.
- Assuming it is the divorce. A year on, that answer explains nothing you can act on.
- Changing the arrangement before you know what is driving it.
TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR IF
- There has been no improvement at all across twelve months
- Things are worse now than they were six months ago
- Daycare or preschool is raising concerns as well
- Eating, sleeping and play are all affected together
- You are not recovering either — that is your own doctor
Why the book suggests this
Reviews of what happens to children after divorce find average differences that are small and outcomes that vary enormously from one child to the next. What separates them is not the divorce itself but what came with it: how much conflict continued, and what support was there.
A year in, the question stops being whether the separation caused this and starts being what is still going on. Something usually is, and it is usually something that can be named: an unresolved conflict, an unreliable schedule, an adult who is not yet recovered.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.