Author’s practical guidance
Something frightening was on, and now it is bedtime
Source named in the book: emotion coaching (Gottman)
Something came on that you would not have chosen, they seemed fine at the time, and now at eight o'clock it is the only thing in the room.
Say this now
“That was frightening. I would not like it either.”
Agreement, not argument. It ends the debate.
“I'll sit here while you fall asleep.”
What helps is you, present.
Do this
- Say it was frightening before you say anything about it not being real.
- Stay in the room tonight rather than negotiating about staying.
- Talk about it tomorrow in daylight. Keep it brief and let them lead.
- Leave more light than usual.
- Expect it for a few nights and stop expecting it to be gone by the second one.
Avoid this
- "It was only a cartoon." True, and it does not touch what they are feeling.
- "There's nothing to be scared of." There is, to them. Now they are scared and alone.
- Making them talk it through at bedtime. That is the worst hour for it.
If it repeats
A few frightened nights after something frightening is ordinary. Raise it with your pediatrician if one image is still surfacing after two or three weeks, and sooner if they have gone backwards on something they had already mastered.
Why the book suggests this
Something came on that you would not have chosen, they seemed fine at the time, and now at eight o'clock it is the only thing in the room. A small child cannot yet put a frightening image back where it came from, and the dark is where it returns.
What helps is not persuading them it was not real. It is letting the fear be a real thing that you take seriously, then staying with it. Children whose feelings are met this way settle faster than children who are told there is nothing to be afraid of, because the second group is left managing it alone.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Every Screen
45 prepared situations in this family area.