Author’s practical guidance
It stopped working as a reward
Source named in the book: self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan)
It worked for a fortnight.
Say this now
“Shoes first, then we go. The screen is later anyway.”
Order without payment. Later is fixed, not earned.
“Screens are at five. You don't earn them.”
Detaches it from behavior entirely.
Do this
- Fix the slot to the clock rather than to whether they cooperated.
- Use order instead of payment — first this, then that, with no exchange rate.
- Stop the reward in one go and expect a bad week rather than tapering it.
- Never withdraw it as punishment.
- Keep one thing unearned so there is something in the day that is simply theirs.
Avoid this
- Raising the amount when it stops working. That is the trap closing, not the fix.
- "If you get dressed, you can watch." Now getting dressed is worth exactly one show.
- Using it for something they already did willingly. That is where it unravels fastest.
If it repeats
If you have been using it as payment for months, unpicking it takes about three weeks. Move it to a fixed time, say out loud that it is no longer for anything, and hold both parts. The first week will look like it is going badly.
Why the book suggests this
It worked for a fortnight. Now they will not put their shoes on without it, they want more of it than they did, and the thing you were rewarding has become something nobody does for its own sake any more.
This is the well-documented cost of paying children for things. A reward attached to a task tends to replace whatever reason the child had for doing it, and when the reward stops or stays the same size, the task collapses. The effect is strongest exactly where you would use it: on something they were already willing to do sometimes.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Every Screen
45 prepared situations in this family area.