Author’s practical guidance
The phone at the playground
Source named in the book: research on young children and mobile device use (Radesky)
The playground is the honest test, because there is nothing else to do there and twenty minutes is a long time.
Say this now
“I'm going to sit and watch for ten minutes.”
A promise with an end. They will hold you to it.
“I saw that. Do it again.”
Proof you were looking, which is what they were checking.
Do this
- Decide before you arrive whether this is a watching trip or a sitting trip.
- Answer the first call properly, so there is no need for a fourth.
- Look up on your own sometimes, before they ask. That is what resets the checking.
- Keep it in a pocket, not a hand.
- Use the second half for messages if you need to, and say so out loud.
Avoid this
- Answering only when they escalate. That teaches which volume works.
- "I'm watching, I'm watching." Said without looking up, it is a fourth-time answer.
- Deciding you must never bring it. You will bring it. Decide when you look at it.
If it repeats
If they will not play at all without you watching every minute, that is usually a stretch rather than a trait, and it follows anything unsettled at home. Give it full attention for a week and it generally loosens on its own.
Why the book suggests this
The playground is the honest test, because there is nothing else to do there and twenty minutes is a long time. Watching adults with small children in public places, researchers keep seeing the same shape: the adult absorbed, the child checking, and the checking getting louder.
What the child is doing when they call your name for the fourth time is not attention-seeking in the way it feels. They are re-establishing that you are still there and still available, which is what a small child does with any adult in an open space. The escalation is the system working, not a behavior problem.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Screen
45 prepared situations in this family area.