Author’s practical guidance
Grandparents allowed screens all afternoon
Book title: What you say on the way home, not what you say to grandma
Source named in the book: adaptability as a temperament dimension (Chess & Thomas)
At her house it runs all afternoon and nobody counts.
Say this now
“Grandma does it her way. We do it ours.”
Two facts, no judgment on either. That is enough.
“You don't have to keep our rules there.”
Removes the job of policing themselves.
Do this
- Say the two-houses sentence in the car once. Then stop talking about it.
- Keep your own rule unchanged at home rather than compensating with a stricter day after.
- Plan for a rough evening after a long screen afternoon rather than planning against it.
- Save the adult conversation for later.
- Pick one thing to raise with the adult, if any — not a list, and not on the doorstep.
Avoid this
- Criticizing the other adult in front of them. Now they have to pick a side to be loyal to.
- Pretending the rules are the same. They know. It makes you the one who is confused.
- Cutting the visit short over it. The afternoon is worth more than the rule is.
If it repeats
If it happens every week and it is costing you the evening, the conversation is with the adult and not with the child. Ask for one change rather than a policy — an ending time, or nothing after five.
Why the book suggests this
At her house it runs all afternoon and nobody counts. You have two separate problems here and they get tangled constantly: what you say to the adult, and what you say to the child in the car afterwards. Only the second one is on this page.
Children vary a lot in how easily they move between different sets of rules, and the ones who struggle are not being difficult. What makes it manageable is not making the two houses agree. It is saying out loud that they do not, so the child is not left working out which adult was wrong.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Every Screen
45 prepared situations in this family area.