Author’s practical guidance
Throwing and breaking things when angry
Source named in the book: Emotion coaching (Gottman)
Big anger needs a body exit.
Say this now
“Blocks are not for throwing. Pillows are.”
Refuse the object and offer the substitute in one breath.
“You're allowed to be angry. You're not allowed to break things.”
Two separate permissions. Children hear the difference.
Do this
- Redirect the body: stomp, push the wall, throw a pillow, squeeze a cushion.
- Move the fragile things out of reach rather than relying on self-control that is not there yet.
- Once calm, repair it together — pick things up side by side, no shaming.
- Keep the consequence natural: the broken toy stays broken.
- Say nothing more about it afterwards.
Avoid this
- "You're so bad!" — attaches a character to a moment.
- Long lectures about the broken toy while they are still furious.
- Replacing it immediately, which removes the consequence entirely.
If it repeats
Build an anger corner they helped choose: cushions, a basket of soft things to throw, a picture of the breathing. Teach it in calm moments — a tool introduced during the storm is never used.
Why the book suggests this
Big anger needs a body exit. It arrives as physical energy — hot hands, fast breathing, a need to push — and without somewhere to go it goes into whatever is being held.
This is also where adults escalate, because a broken object feels like a line crossed. But a lecture delivered to a furious three-year-old lands nowhere, and the repair conversation only works once the body has come down.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Both Parents
45 prepared situations in this family area.