Same Words book
Both Parents
Shared language for meltdowns, routines, sleep, food, conflict and everyday outings.
View the book on Amazon ↗45 prepared situations
Full meltdown — on the floorBoth Parents · MeltdownsDuring a full meltdown, the part of your child's brain that reasons, remembers rules and finds words has gone offline.→Tantrum because you said "no"Both Parents · MeltdownsCrying about a limit is not a sign that the limit was wrong.→Car seat battleBoth Parents · MeltdownsBeing strapped into a seat is a total loss of control, applied to a person whose entire developmental project this year is control.→Hitting you during a meltdownBoth Parents · MeltdownsAn overwhelmed body discharges through the hands.→The after-daycare meltdownBoth Parents · MeltdownsHolding it together all day costs a small child enormous effort — following rules, sharing, waiting, managing without you.→Scary tantrums — when to seek helpBoth Parents · MeltdownsSome children hold their breath until they go limp or blue.→Leaving the playgroundBoth Parents · TransitionsFor a toddler, a good thing ending is a small grief.→Turning off the tabletBoth Parents · TransitionsScreens are built without endings.→Getting out the door in the morningBoth Parents · TransitionsYou are on adult time, and they have no concept of late.→Leaving grandma's or ending a playdateBoth Parents · TransitionsLeaving a place is one thing.→Getting out of the bathBoth Parents · TransitionsGetting into the bath and getting out of it are two different fights with two different causes.→The transition formula that works anywhereBoth Parents · TransitionsEvery switch costs a toddler something.→Bedtime battles: "one more book, one more water"Both Parents · SleepBedtime asks a child to give up two things at once: your company and control of their own evening.→When they won't let you leave the roomBoth Parents · SleepFalling asleep means being alone in the dark, and for a small child that is the biggest separation of the day.→Getting out of bed again and againBoth Parents · SleepEvery trip out of bed earns something: a face, a voice, a reaction.→Waking at night and wandering the houseBoth Parents · SleepWaking in the night is not a failure of sleep training.→The 5 a.m. wake-upBoth Parents · SleepToddlers cannot read clocks, and five in the morning does not feel different from seven.→Refusing dinner, then asking for snacksBoth Parents · FoodA toddler's appetite is not a straight line.→"I don't like it!" — food they loved yesterdayBoth Parents · FoodWariness of new or newly-suspicious food peaks between two and five.→Throwing food from the tableBoth Parents · FoodAt this age throwing food usually means one of two things: I have finished, or look what happens.→Getting dressed — or "I do it MYSELF!"Both Parents · Getting readyDressing is where "I can do it" meets "I can't do it yet," several times, before breakfast.→Refusing to brush teethBoth Parents · Getting readySomeone else's hands in your mouth is a loss of control at close range, and there is no way to make that feel good.→Bath time and washing hairBoth Parents · Getting readyBath refusal is usually sensory rather than social: water in the eyes, the echo of the room, the temperature change getting in and getting out, the feeling of being slippery with nothing to hold on to.→Refusing the pottyBoth Parents · Getting readyToilet training is the first thing in a child's life that they, and only they, control.→Haircuts and cutting nailsBoth Parents · Getting readyFor many small children this is not fear of the haircut, it is the sensory package around it: the buzz, the hair on the neck, the cape, a stranger's hands, and being held still.→Giving medicineBoth Parents · Getting readyA toddler asked to swallow medicine is being asked to override two instincts at once: do not put strange-tasting things in your mouth, and do not let someone else control your body.→Hitting or pushing other kidsBoth Parents · With other kidsAt two and three the impulse arrives before the words do.→BitingBoth Parents · With other kidsBiting is usually a message rather than an attack: frustration with no words attached, teething, sensory overload, or the discovery that it produces an enormous reaction.→Won't share, grabs other kids' toysBoth Parents · With other kidsSharing on demand is not a skill toddlers have.→Throwing and breaking things when angryBoth Parents · With other kidsBig anger needs a body exit.→A new baby in the houseBoth Parents · With other kidsFrom your child's side, a new baby is a demotion announced without consultation.→"NO!" to everythingBoth Parents · Power strugglesAround two, "no" arrives and gets used indiscriminately — including on things the child actually wants.→The endless "why?"Both Parents · Power strugglesSomewhere around three, "why" arrives and does not leave.→The endless whiningBoth Parents · Power strugglesWhining is what a child reaches for when they are not sure a normal voice will be heard.→Pretending not to hear youBoth Parents · Power strugglesInstructions shouted across a room rarely reach a busy three-year-old.→"Mama? Mama? MAMA!" — interruptingBoth Parents · Power strugglesA three-year-old has almost no sense of the line.→Refusing to tidy upBoth Parents · Power struggles"Tidy your toys" is an enormous instruction.→Teach calming BEFORE the stormBoth Parents · Big feelingsYou cannot teach a skill during a meltdown.→The ten minutes that prevent meltdownsBoth Parents · Big feelingsA large share of hard behavior is a request for connection dressed up as something else.→Catching it before the point of no returnBoth Parents · Big feelingsThere is a short window between the first signs of a storm and the moment it takes over: the voice climbing, the shoulders going up, the body getting fast.→"I hate you!"Both Parents · Big feelingsThe first time is a shock, and it is meant to be.→Public tantrum — store or restaurantBoth Parents · Out and aboutThis is the same meltdown as at home with one extra ingredient: you.→"I want it!" — demanding at the storeBoth Parents · Out and aboutAt two to five, wanting is a feeling rather than a plan.→Running off — won't hold handsBoth Parents · Out and aboutThis is the one situation in this book where the stakes are not your nerves.→Waiting — lines, restaurants, waiting roomsBoth Parents · Out and aboutWaiting is a skill, and small children have very little of it.→