Author’s practical guidance
Won't share, grabs other kids' toys
Source named in the book: RIE (Gerber) · Positive Discipline (Nelsen)
Sharing on demand is not a skill toddlers have.
Say this now
“He's using it. You can have it when he's done.”
A real ending, not a negotiation. Then stay nearby and hold it.
“Two kids, one truck. Anna is holding it. Max wants it.”
Just describe. Children solve a surprising amount when narrated rather than judged.
Do this
- Let the first child finish. Turn-taking beats forced sharing.
- Use "when you're done" rather than a timer where you can — it gives the holder control.
- Sit close and narrate; step in only when hands get involved.
- Protect the waiting child with your presence, not with the toy.
- Praise spontaneous giving loudly when it happens — and it will.
Avoid this
- "Don't be selfish, give it to her!" — a moral label attached to a normal stage.
- Taking the toy away yourself to force fairness — it proves that whoever is strongest decides.
- Insisting on strict turns by the clock when neither child asked for one.
If it repeats
Before playdates, put away the two most precious toys. Nobody has to share their favorite thing, and removing the flashpoint costs you nothing at all.
Why the book suggests this
Sharing on demand is not a skill toddlers have. Understanding that a toy will come back means holding an idea about the future while a strong feeling is happening now, and the machinery for that is not built yet.
"Mine" is a milestone, not selfishness. It marks the moment a child works out that objects belong to people and that they are one of the people. Forcing sharing at this stage mostly teaches that the bigger person decides who gets what.
From this collection
Same Words: Both Parents
45 prepared situations in this family area.