Author’s practical guidance
Two children, one favorite thing
Source named in the book: transitional objects (Winnicott) · Kramer
Buying a second identical one rarely works, and the reason is worth knowing: what the child wants is not the object's function.
Say this now
“You both want the same one. That's the whole problem, and it's a real one.”
Some conflicts have no fair solution. Saying so is more useful than inventing one that fools nobody.
“That rabbit is his and this bear is yours. They're not the same and they don't trade.”
Attachment objects need an absolute rule. A negotiable one produces daily negotiations.
Do this
- Buy duplicates only for genuinely functional items: cups, spoons, shovels.
- Let each child's comfort object be untouchable by the other, absolutely.
- When both want the same thing, say so out loud instead of solving it instantly.
- Keep a second identical comfort object only as a laundry backup, in rotation from the start.
- Accept that some conflicts have no fair solution and only have an end.
Avoid this
- Buying doubles of everything as a standing policy.
- Swapping a worn comfort object for a clean identical one in secret.
- "You have one exactly the same, why do you want that one?" — because it is not the same one.
If it repeats
If one particular object drives most of the conflicts, that object needs the shelf, or it needs to leave the house.
Why the book suggests this
Buying a second identical one rarely works, and the reason is worth knowing: what the child wants is not the object's function. It is that particular object, with its history, or — more often — it is the fact that the other child wants it right now.
An attachment object in the true sense cannot be duplicated at all. The worn rabbit is not interchangeable with an identical new rabbit, because its value came from use. Replacing it is a plan that fails at the moment it is most needed.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.