Same Words book
Two Children
A new baby, sibling conflict, sharing, fairness and parental attention.
View the book on Amazon ↗45 prepared situations
Telling them a baby is comingTwo Children · Before the baby comesA two- or four-year-old does not hold nine months in their head.→"Where is the baby right now?"Two Children · Before the baby comesChildren this age build explanations out of whatever parts they already have.→"I don't want a baby"Two Children · Before the baby comesA child who says this is not predicting how they will behave.→Big changes before the babyTwo Children · Before the baby comesMoving out of the crib, giving up the pacifier, starting daycare — each of these is a loss on its own.→The helper who was invitedTwo Children · Before the baby comesSmall children help spontaneously and reliably — but only while it is their own idea.→The first meetingTwo Children · The first weeksThe first time a child sees their parent after days apart, they need the parent — not an introduction.→Going backwardsTwo Children · The first weeksA child who suddenly wants a bottle, wets the bed, or asks to be carried again is not losing skills.→Rough handsTwo Children · The first weeksA three-year-old poking the baby's eye is usually doing research.→The feed is when everything happensTwo Children · The first weeksFeeds are long, they repeat all day, and during them the parent is visibly unavailable and visibly holding someone else.→Everyone came to see the babyTwo Children · The first weeksVisitors do a predictable thing: they walk past the older child to reach the newborn.→When the adult is not okay eitherTwo Children · The first weeksThe weeks after a birth combine broken sleep, a recovering body, a newborn who cannot be reasoned with, and an older child who has just lost half their parent.→Hitting the little oneTwo Children · When they hurt each otherAt two and three, the gap between feeling something and doing something is close to zero.→BitingTwo Children · When they hurt each otherBiting clusters at the age when a child has strong feelings and almost no vocabulary to spend them on.→Taking it by forceTwo Children · When they hurt each otherGrabbing is not a failure of manners.→The pinch nobody sawTwo Children · When they hurt each otherHiding it means the child understands the rule.→The baby wrecked the towerTwo Children · When they hurt each otherHere the older child is right.→Who you help firstTwo Children · When they hurt each otherSomeone is crying and someone is standing.→"Mine!"Two Children · What is shared and what is mineOwning things securely is what makes sharing possible.→Turns that end when you are finishedTwo Children · What is shared and what is mineA timer ends a turn at a moment that has nothing to do with the child's work.→The shelf they cannot reachTwo Children · What is shared and what is mineMost repeating conflicts in a house with two small children are conflicts about three or four specific objects.→Everything ends up in his mouthTwo Children · What is shared and what is mineMouthing and pulling things apart is how a one-year-old investigates.→Two children, one favorite thingTwo Children · What is shared and what is mineBuying a second identical one rarely works, and the reason is worth knowing: what the child wants is not the object's function.→Hand-me-downsTwo Children · What is shared and what is minePassing things down looks efficient to an adult and looks like confiscation to a child.→"You love him more"Two Children · Fairness and comparisonThis is rarely a claim and almost always a question, asked at the worst possible moment because that is when it becomes urgent.→Equal is not the same as fairTwo Children · Fairness and comparisonSplitting everything exactly in half looks like the safe route and creates the opposite of what it promises.→Labels stickTwo Children · Fairness and comparisonThe calm one and the wild one start as shorthand between tired adults and end as the children's own descriptions of themselves.→"You're the big one now"Two Children · Fairness and comparisonThe sentence sounds like a compliment and functions as a bill.→Comparing them out loudTwo Children · Fairness and comparisonA comparison meant to motivate one child costs you both of them.→Different rules for different agesTwo Children · Fairness and comparisonTwo children in one house cannot have identical rules, and the older one will notice the gaps in both directions.→The demand spikeTwo Children · Attention and your timeThe requests arrive the moment you become unavailable, because that is when the answer is in doubt.→Ten minutes with your name on itTwo Children · Attention and your timeShort and predictable beats long and occasional.→One adult, two childrenTwo Children · Attention and your timeTwo children can need you simultaneously and one of them will wait.→Both awake at nightTwo Children · Attention and your timeAt three in the morning nobody makes good decisions, including you.→Getting you the fast wayTwo Children · Attention and your timeChildren do not choose between good attention and bad attention.→The minutes when nothing is wrongTwo Children · When they get alongAdults are trained by the noise.→A game the little one can actually playTwo Children · When they get alongMost sibling play collapses at the same point: the younger child cannot do the thing the game requires, so they interfere with it instead.→Reading the little oneTwo Children · When they get alongBe nice to your brother gives a child no information.→"Remember when"Two Children · When they get alongSiblings who have a shared story argue as much as anybody else, but they recover faster.→One job for twoTwo Children · When they get alongSmall children help willingly, and they cooperate most readily when the task genuinely requires two people.→Grandma compares them out loudTwo Children · The adults around themComparisons from close relatives carry more weight than comparisons from anybody else, because these are people the child sees regularly and believes.→Guests, and which one is prettierTwo Children · The adults around themVisitors reach for the easiest available comment, and with two children the easiest available comment is a ranking.→"You take the big one, I'll take the baby"Two Children · The adults around themSplitting the children between two adults is the obvious solution to an impossible evening, and it works immediately.→Two adults, two ideas of fairTwo Children · The adults around themFairness between siblings is where parents diverge most, because each adult is usually running their own childhood.→One at daycare, one at homeTwo Children · The adults around themThe older child leaves in the morning and comes back to find the baby still there, with you, all day.→When there is not enough of youTwo Children · The adults around themAlmost every page in this book asks the adult for patience, timing and attention delivered evenly to two people at once.→