Author’s practical guidance
Everyone came to see the baby
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Kramer
Visitors do a predictable thing: they walk past the older child to reach the newborn.
Say this now
To the guest:
“Ask him about his dinosaurs — he knows every name.”
Redirects an adult who was going to talk only about the baby, without making a scene of it.
To the child:
“A lot of people came for her today. That's a strange feeling.”
Names what happened without asking them to be gracious about it. Being seen is the whole repair here.
Do this
- Brief close family before they arrive: greet the older child first.
- Keep two small wrapped things in a cupboard for present-heavy visits.
- Give the child a job with the guests, not with the baby: the door, the coats.
- Cap the visit at a length the child can survive, not the length the guests would like.
- Name what happened afterwards, without requiring them to be pleased about it.
Avoid this
- Letting "isn't the baby beautiful" be the only sentence said in the room.
- "Go and play while the grown-ups look at the baby." — sends them out of their own house.
- Correcting the child publicly for being sullen with guests.
If it repeats
Relatives who keep comparing the two children out loud need a separate conversation, held away from the children and asking for one specific phrase to be dropped.
Why the book suggests this
Visitors do a predictable thing: they walk past the older child to reach the newborn. The child watches a stream of people arrive holding presents, and none of the presents and none of the attention are for them.
The comment that lands hardest is usually a kind one. "You're the big one now" sounds like a promotion and functions as a demotion — it explains, in front of everyone, why the fuss belongs to somebody else.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.