Author’s practical guidance
Grandma compares them out loud
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Kramer
Comparisons from close relatives carry more weight than comparisons from anybody else, because these are people the child sees regularly and believes.
Say this now
Privately:
“When you say he's the calm one in front of them, they both hear where they rank. Can you drop that one?”
One specific phrase, one specific request. Asking somebody to change their attitude fails; asking them to drop a sentence works.
To the child:
“Grandma said that about today. It isn't a description of you.”
Leaves the label contested rather than standing. Ten seconds is enough.
Do this
- Raise it privately, after the visit, in one short request.
- Ask for the removal of a specific phrase, not for a change of attitude.
- Give them a replacement sentence to use instead.
- Repeat the request calmly on the next visit if needed — habits take several passes.
- Say something to the child afterwards, so the label does not stand unchallenged.
Avoid this
- Correcting them sharply in front of the children.
- Saying nothing and hoping the children did not register it.
- "You always do this." — an argument about the past rather than about the habit.
If it repeats
If it continues after several requests, reduce the exposure rather than escalating the conversation. Shorter visits cost less than a standing argument the children can hear.
Why the book suggests this
Comparisons from close relatives carry more weight than comparisons from anybody else, because these are people the child sees regularly and believes. A sentence said once by a stranger passes; the same sentence from a grandparent, repeated across visits, becomes a description the child accepts.
The adult saying it usually means no harm and often does not hear it as a comparison at all. That matters for how you handle it: this is a request to change a habit, not an accusation, and it will need to be made more than once.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.