Author’s practical guidance
The demand spike
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Volling
The requests arrive the moment you become unavailable, because that is when the answer is in doubt.
Say this now
“I heard you. Cup first, then I sit down with her.”
The first three words are the answer. Everything after them is detail.
“I can't get up right now. I can talk the whole time — come sit by me.”
Names which part of you is available. A specific yes works better than a general no.
Do this
- Fill the predictable needs before the window opens: drink, snack, toilet.
- Answer within a few seconds, even when the answer is no.
- Say what will happen and when, in terms of events rather than minutes.
- Grant whatever can be granted from where you are sitting.
- Give one uninterrupted stretch earlier in the day, so the tank is not empty by the evening feed.
Avoid this
- "You never need anything until I sit down with her." — accurate, and heard as an accusation.
- Granting whatever ends the noise fastest, whatever it happens to be.
- Treating the requests as a discipline problem.
If it repeats
If the spike happens at the same time every day, it is a schedule problem rather than a behavior problem. Move something in the day before you address the child.
Why the book suggests this
The requests arrive the moment you become unavailable, because that is when the answer is in doubt. When you are free there is nothing to find out. When your hands are full, the question of whether you are still reachable becomes live, and asking is the only way to test it.
This is why the requests are often trivial and often impossible at once — a specific cup, a song, a thing on a high shelf. The content is not the point. The child is measuring response time, and a slow answer produces a louder question.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.