Author’s practical guidance
The feed is when everything happens
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Volling
Feeds are long, they repeat all day, and during them the parent is visibly unavailable and visibly holding someone else.
Say this now
“This is our couch time. Pick a book and I'll read while she eats.”
Converts the worst window of the day into something that belongs to them. The name matters more than the activity.
“My arms are busy but my voice isn't. Tell me about the tower.”
Tells them exactly which part of you is available, which is more useful than a general no.
Do this
- Assemble a box that comes out only at feed times, and rotate what is in it weekly.
- Feed in the room where the child already is.
- Use the time for what needs no hands: reading aloud, talking, singing.
- Say yes to anything you can grant from a seated position.
- Announce the feed before it starts instead of disappearing into it.
Avoid this
- "Not now, can't you see I'm feeding her?" — names the baby as the reason they cannot have you.
- Handing over a screen every single time to buy the quiet.
- Feeding in another room with the door shut.
If it repeats
If the same request arrives at every feed, grant it before the feed begins. Pre-empting it costs two minutes; refusing it costs the whole feed.
Why the book suggests this
Feeds are long, they repeat all day, and during them the parent is visibly unavailable and visibly holding someone else. It is the most reliable demonstration in the child's day of the thing they are worried about.
They are not being manipulative. They have noticed the pattern faster than you have, and every request made in that window gets an unusually slow answer — which makes the window worth testing.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.