Author’s practical guidance
Taking it by force
Source named in the book: sibling intervention research (Kramer) · Warneken & Tomasello
Grabbing is not a failure of manners.
Say this now
“He's holding it. Come to me and I'll help you get it.”
Installs you as the method that works. That is the only thing that competes with grabbing.
“You wanted it now and he didn't let go. That's the hard part.”
Naming the difficulty stops it becoming an argument about character.
Do this
- Make yourself the working alternative: come to me and I will negotiate.
- Trade rather than confiscate — put something else into the little one's hands as the first move.
- Judge each case on who had it first, not on who is older.
- Return the object to the older child when it was genuinely theirs.
- Notice the coming-to-you, since that is the behavior you are building.
Avoid this
- "Ask him nicely" — when the younger child cannot answer a request at all.
- Making the older one hand it back every time, on principle rather than on the facts.
- "You're bigger, you should know better." — charges them for their age.
If it repeats
If grabbing happens mostly around one particular object, that object needs a home the younger child cannot reach.
Why the book suggests this
Grabbing is not a failure of manners. It is the only tool the child has that reliably works. Asking does not work — the younger one cannot yet respond to a request — so the child uses the method that produces the object.
This is worth being precise about, because the instruction usually given is to ask nicely, and asking nicely genuinely does not function on a one-year-old. Until an adult supplies a method that works, force will stay the best available option.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.