Author’s practical guidance
Equal is not the same as fair
Source named in the book: sibling intervention research (Kramer) · Dunn
Splitting everything exactly in half looks like the safe route and creates the opposite of what it promises.
Say this now
“He needed help with his shoes. When you need help, you get it too.”
The promise is about responsiveness, not about quantity. That is the promise you can actually keep.
“You don't get the same. You get what you need.”
Says the principle plainly. Children accept this far more readily than adults expect.
Do this
- Answer needs as they arrive instead of balancing the books at the end of the day.
- Say out loud why one child is getting something right now.
- Let the amounts differ openly rather than hiding the difference.
- Give each child something the other does not get, chosen for them.
- Resist the urge to compensate immediately — it teaches that every difference is a debt.
Avoid this
- Counting out identical numbers of grapes, gifts or minutes.
- "I gave you both exactly the same." — invites them to check your arithmetic.
- Buying a present for one child every time the other has a birthday.
If it repeats
Children who count portions out loud have usually been taught to count by an adult who was counting first. Stop measuring for a month and watch whether it fades.
Why the book suggests this
Splitting everything exactly in half looks like the safe route and creates the opposite of what it promises. Children given identical portions start measuring, because measurement has been established as the way things work in this house. The comparisons multiply rather than settle.
What children actually track is whether their own need got a response. A child who is sick and gets more attention that day does not experience unfairness, and neither does the other one — provided their need would also get a response when it arrives.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.