Author’s practical guidance
"Remember when"
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Kramer
Siblings who have a shared story argue as much as anybody else, but they recover faster.
Say this now
“Remember when the two of you hid in the laundry basket?”
Small, specific and jointly owned. Those three qualities are what make a story get retold.
“That's a you-two story. Nobody else was there.”
Marks the pair as a unit. That is the thing being built, more than the memory itself.
Do this
- Retell small joint episodes at ordinary moments — in the car, at dinner.
- Use the phrase "the two of you" often.
- Keep photographs of them together where the children can reach them.
- Let the older child be the narrator — they hold the memories the younger one lost.
- Give the story a name the children can call up themselves.
Avoid this
- Manufacturing memories through expensive outings.
- Telling the story so that it flatters one of them.
- Repeating a story in which one child is the funny disaster.
If it repeats
If the only shared stories in the house are about fights, the collection needs new material more than the children need a talk.
Why the book suggests this
Siblings who have a shared story argue as much as anybody else, but they recover faster. What they have is a stock of episodes in which the two of them are a unit — and that unit is something to return to once a fight is over.
Families build this without noticing, and it can be built on purpose. The stories that work are small and specific: the day the dog took the sandwich, the time you both got soaked. Occasions arranged to be memorable rarely become the ones that get retold.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.