Author’s practical guidance
One adult, two children
Source named in the book: adjustment to a new sibling (Volling) · Dunn
Two children can need you simultaneously and one of them will wait.
Say this now
“He's first this time because he's bleeding. You're next and I'm coming.”
The reason and the promise together. Either one alone is much weaker.
“Today you're first. She can wait two minutes.”
Said often enough, this is what stops the order becoming a statement about rank.
Do this
- Say who is first and why, every time — the reason is what makes it bearable.
- Deliberately put the older child first several times a week.
- Finish one child completely before starting the other, where you can.
- Let the younger one cry for the ninety seconds it takes, when it is safe to.
- Drop the standard for everything else when you are outnumbered; the house can wait.
Avoid this
- Always making the same child wait, because it is easier.
- Rushing between them so that neither gets a whole response.
- "In a minute" repeated four times.
If it repeats
If you can never put the older child first, the younger one's schedule is running the house. Look at what could be shifted by half an hour.
Why the book suggests this
Two children can need you simultaneously and one of them will wait. That is arithmetic, not a failure of parenting, and no arrangement of the furniture makes it go away. What is adjustable is which child waits, how often, and whether the waiting is explained.
The default is to make the older one wait, because they can. Done every time, that default becomes the child's understanding of their rank in the house. The remedy is not to reverse it but to break the pattern often enough that it stops looking like a rule.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.