Author’s practical guidance
Comparing them out loud
Source named in the book: process praise research (Henderlong & Lepper) · Dunn
A comparison meant to motivate one child costs you both of them.
Say this now
“You're finding this hard right now. Let's do the first part together.”
Addresses the difficulty directly. The sibling does not need to appear in the sentence at all.
“That's yours to decide. What he does isn't the measure.”
Removes the comparison the child has already started making on their own.
Do this
- Address the child in front of you as though the other did not exist.
- Compare them only to their own last week, never to a person.
- Keep praise private when it could be overheard as a verdict.
- Cut the phrase "your brother" out of every instruction you give.
- Correct yourself out loud when it slips — children register the retraction.
Avoid this
- "Look, your sister isn't crying about it." — recruits one child as evidence against the other.
- "Your brother could do this at your age." — a standard they cannot argue with.
- Praising one child within earshot of the other as a lesson.
If it repeats
Children who hear comparisons start producing them: I'm better at this than he is. That is the habit coming back to you, and it stops when the source does.
Why the book suggests this
A comparison meant to motivate one child costs you both of them. The one held up as the example acquires a standard to maintain, and starts avoiding anything they might do badly. The one compared against learns where they rank in the room.
It also does specific damage to the relationship you are trying to build. Every comparison names the sibling as the source of the unfavorable measurement, which is a strange thing to do to two people you want to become close.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.