Author’s practical guidance
One at daycare, one at home
Source named in the book: adjustment to a new sibling (Volling) · Dunn
The older child leaves in the morning and comes back to find the baby still there, with you, all day.
Say this now
“We were here. He napped, I did the washing. Nothing exciting happened without you.”
Boring detail is the reassurance. Vagueness is what leaves room for the story they are afraid of.
“You didn't get sent away. You get to go, and you come home.”
Addresses the sending-away directly, since that is the version they have constructed.
Do this
- Answer the what-did-you-do question honestly and in boring detail.
- Save outings and treats for when both children are present.
- Give the first few minutes after pickup to the older child entirely.
- Keep drop-off short and identical every day.
- Let them see the home routine sometimes — a day off, a late start.
Avoid this
- "You're lucky, you get to play with your friends all day." — answers a question they did not ask.
- Describing the day at home as dull to make it sound less appealing.
- Doing the exciting things — the zoo, the pool — while they are away.
If it repeats
Sudden resistance to daycare in a child who was fine with it usually starts at home rather than at the daycare. Look at the last two weeks in the house first.
Why the book suggests this
The older child leaves in the morning and comes back to find the baby still there, with you, all day. Whatever the arrangement's actual merits, the arithmetic the child performs is simple: somebody stayed and somebody was sent away.
This lands hardest at drop-off and at pickup, which is why those two moments carry more weight than the hours in between. The child is not protesting daycare in general. They are asking what happened here while they were gone.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.