Author’s practical guidance
Different rules for different ages
Source named in the book: Nelsen (Positive Discipline) · Kramer
Two children in one house cannot have identical rules, and the older one will notice the gaps in both directions.
Say this now
“He goes to bed at seven because his body still needs twelve hours. Yours needs eleven.”
A reason from the outside world rather than from your preference. That is what makes it survive the next argument.
“That rule is about safety, not about who's older. It's the same for both of you.”
Sorting rules into kinds stops every difference being read as favoritism.
Do this
- Attach a reason to every rule that differs between them.
- Separate rules that are about age from rules that are about safety, and say which is which.
- Give the older child at least one visible advantage that is genuinely theirs.
- Keep the reason identical every time it is asked for.
- Review the rules out loud every few months — visible updating beats arguing.
Avoid this
- "Because I said so." — converts a rule into a preference.
- "When you're his age you can too" — for a rule that is not about age at all.
- Changing a rule to end an argument and changing it back later.
If it repeats
If one rule is argued about every single day, the reason behind it has stopped being true. Check it rather than defending it.
Why the book suggests this
Two children in one house cannot have identical rules, and the older one will notice the gaps in both directions. A later bedtime is a privilege; being expected to carry your own plate is not. What the child is protesting is usually not the rule but the absence of a reason.
Rules with reasons hold. Rules without them read as preference, and preference between two children reads as favoritism — which turns an ordinary bedtime dispute into a much larger question.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.