Author’s practical guidance
Two adults, two ideas of fair
Source named in the book: Gottman · Volling
Fairness between siblings is where parents diverge most, because each adult is usually running their own childhood.
Say this now
In front of the children:
“We'll talk about it and tell you together.”
Closes the gap the children were about to walk into, without conceding anything to either adult.
Later:
“We're deciding different things about the same situation. Let's pick one and both use it.”
Frames it as a coordination problem rather than a disagreement about who is the better parent.
Do this
- Settle the three or four recurring disputes in advance, away from the children.
- Back the other adult's call in the room and reopen it privately.
- Write down what you agree — memory drifts within a week.
- Say the reasons to each other; the reasons are usually where the real disagreement is.
- Tell the children the outcome jointly, in the same words.
Avoid this
- Overruling the other adult in front of the children.
- Agreeing in the moment and doing it your way once they have gone.
- Debating the principle while both children are watching.
If it repeats
If the same disagreement returns every week, it is not about the rule. It is about whose childhood is being re-run, and that conversation is worth having on its own.
Why the book suggests this
Fairness between siblings is where parents diverge most, because each adult is usually running their own childhood. One was the older one who always had to give way; the other was the younger one who was never taken seriously. Those experiences arrive as convictions, not as opinions.
Children find the gap within days and use it, which is normal and not malicious. The problem is not that they use it — it is that an unresolved gap turns every ordinary dispute into a referendum on which parent is right.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.