Author’s practical guidance
Big changes before the baby
Source named in the book: adjustment to a new sibling (Volling) · Gerber (RIE)
Moving out of the crib, giving up the pacifier, starting daycare — each of these is a loss on its own.
Say this now
“This bed is yours now. It has nothing to do with the baby.”
Say the disconnection out loud even if it seems obvious. To them it is not obvious at all.
“You picked this pillow yourself. It's your room and it stays your room.”
One thing they chose converts the change from something done to them into something they had a hand in.
Do this
- Finish every major transition at least two months before the due date.
- If you are already late, wait — do it two months after instead of squeezing it in.
- Buy a separate crib rather than handing over the one they slept in.
- Let the child choose one thing about the change: the sheets, the position, the lamp.
- Say plainly, out loud, that the change is not because of the baby.
Avoid this
- "You're a big boy now, so the crib goes to the baby." — names the baby as the reason.
- Stacking two or three transitions into the last month before the due date.
- Starting daycare the week the baby comes home.
If it repeats
If they ask for the crib or the pacifier back after the birth, give it back for a while. Ground regained now costs far less than a year of resentment attached to the wrong person.
Why the book suggests this
Moving out of the crib, giving up the pacifier, starting daycare — each of these is a loss on its own. Done in the weeks around the birth, they stop being separate events. They fuse into one story: the baby came and took my things.
That story is very hard to undo later, because from the child's side the evidence is good. Everything they lost, they lost at the same time the baby arrived.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.