Author’s practical guidance
The baby wrecked the tower
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Montessori
Here the older child is right.
Say this now
“You worked on that for a long time and now it's gone. I'd be furious too.”
Agreement first. Nothing else can be heard until the rightness of the anger has been conceded.
“He doesn't understand yet. That doesn't make it fair to you.”
Holds both facts at once, which is what the child needs to hear an adult do.
Do this
- Say they are right before you say anything about the younger child.
- Give the loss its full weight — no minimizing and no silver linings.
- Solve it with furniture rather than words: a table, a high shelf, a room with a door.
- Offer to photograph finished builds so that something survives.
- Do not require them to forgive out loud.
Avoid this
- "He's just a baby, he didn't mean it." — true, and beside the point.
- "You can build another one." — the loss is the work, not the object.
- Rebuilding it yourself while they are still furious.
If it repeats
A child whose work is destroyed repeatedly stops building. If you notice them abandoning long projects, the physical problem was never solved.
Why the book suggests this
Here the older child is right. Forty minutes of work were destroyed by someone who will face no consequence, and the adult is about to explain that nobody is at fault. From where the child stands, that is not fairness — it is the household declining to protect their work.
The younger child genuinely did not intend anything. Both things are true at once, and the mistake is choosing one of them. Handling this badly is how a child concludes that being older means absorbing losses silently.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.