Author’s practical guidance
Telling them a baby is coming
Source named in the book: adjustment to a new sibling (Volling) · AAP
A two- or four-year-old does not hold nine months in their head.
Say this now
“A baby is growing in me. The baby will come home when the weather gets cold.”
Anchor the arrival to something they can see coming. A season works; a month does not.
“You will still sleep in your bed. I will still read to you at night.”
Lead with what stays. The news they need is about their own life, not about the baby.
Do this
- Tell them yourself, before anyone else can mention it in front of them.
- Anchor the arrival to a season or an event they know, never to a number of months.
- Say what stays the same first — the bed, the bedtime, the person who does it.
- Answer the question they asked, then stop talking.
- Let their reaction be whatever it is, including nothing at all.
Avoid this
- "We're having a baby in nine months!" — a number they have no way to use.
- Telling the relatives first — and letting the child learn it by overhearing.
- "Aren't you excited?" — assigns the feeling before they have had one.
If it repeats
If they ask the same question every week, they are not confused — they are checking that the answer has not changed. Give them the same words each time, in the same order, without adding anything new.
Why the book suggests this
A two- or four-year-old does not hold nine months in their head. Time that far out is not a length to them — it is a fog. Told too early, they either forget entirely or spend months braced for something that keeps not arriving.
They also cannot picture a person they have never met. What they can picture is a change to the room, a bag by the door, a lap that is already busy. Those are the things worth naming.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.