Author’s practical guidance
Who you help first
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Kramer
Someone is crying and someone is standing.
Say this now
“I see two upset children. Come here, both of you.”
Refuses the casting before it happens. Both of them are watching to see who you reach for.
“I don't know what happened. I know you both want it.”
Admitting you did not see it costs nothing and stops you inventing a story that sticks.
Do this
- Attend to the injury briefly, without narrating who caused it.
- Bring both children into the same space rather than splitting them up.
- Describe the problem instead of the culprit: one truck, two children.
- Say "I didn't see it" out loud when you didn't.
- Avoid the words always and again — that is how roles get sealed.
Avoid this
- "What did you do to him?" — as the opening sentence, before any information exists.
- Comforting one child in your arms while the other stands watching.
- Assigning blame based on who is crying harder.
If it repeats
If you can predict which child you will blame before you enter the room, the roles are already set. That is a signal to watch more and intervene later, not sooner.
Why the book suggests this
Someone is crying and someone is standing. The adult reaches the crying one, and in that instant the roles get assigned: one child is the victim, the other is the one who did it. Repeated a few hundred times, those roles become descriptions the children accept about themselves.
Adults are also poor judges of what happened, because they arrive after it. The younger child is louder, so they look wronged; the older child is bigger, so they look responsible. Neither of those is evidence.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.