Author’s practical guidance
"You love him more"
Source named in the book: sibling relationships research (Dunn) · Volling
This is rarely a claim and almost always a question, asked at the worst possible moment because that is when it becomes urgent.
Say this now
“You're asking if you still have your place. You do. Nothing about that moved.”
Answers the real question. Reassurance about your love is less useful than reassurance about their position.
“Something happened today that made it feel that way. Tell me which part.”
There is almost always a specific trigger in the last hour. Finding it is more use than a general denial.
Do this
- Answer the question underneath rather than the sentence on top.
- Ask what happened in the last hour — there is usually something specific.
- Say the reassurance in a form that names them, not both children at once.
- Put down what you are holding if you can, and use your hands and your eyes.
- Follow it with time alone together within a day or two, not announced as a fix.
Avoid this
- "That's not true, I love you both exactly the same!" — argues with the sentence instead of answering the question.
- Listing everything you do for them as proof.
- "How can you say that after everything I do?" — makes them responsible for your feelings.
If it repeats
If the sentence arrives several times a week, treat it as data about the ratio of your attention rather than about their character. Change the schedule before changing the answer.
Why the book suggests this
This is rarely a claim and almost always a question, asked at the worst possible moment because that is when it becomes urgent. The child is not presenting evidence for a verdict. They are checking a fact they cannot verify from inside their own head.
The instinct is to disprove it — to list the things you do, to point out how much you carried them too. That answers a case nobody made. The child asked whether they are still safe, and a list of counter-evidence does not say yes.
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.