Author’s practical guidance
Getting you the fast way
Source named in the book: PCIT · sibling relationships research (Dunn)
Children do not choose between good attention and bad attention.
Say this now
Small and flat, for the act:
“Blanket back on. That's not how you get me.”
Names the mechanism without drama. The flatness is deliberate: volume is what they were buying.
Warm and immediate, for the need:
“Say come here and I will come. Try it now.”
The words matter less than what happens next. Answer that first attempt instantly or it proves nothing.
Do this
- Make the legitimate route genuinely faster than the illegitimate one.
- Respond within seconds the first time they use it, so that it proves itself.
- Keep your reaction to the unwanted act deliberately small and dull.
- Look at the ten minutes before the incident — it usually follows a stretch when nobody spoke to them.
- Give attention at moments they did not ask for it, so that it is not always something purchased.
Avoid this
- Ignoring the behavior without changing anything else.
- "You only do that to get attention" — said as an accusation rather than as information.
- A big reaction — the size of the reaction is the reward.
If it repeats
If the methods keep escalating despite a working alternative, the alternative is not being answered as fast as you think it is. Time yourself for a day.
Why the book suggests this
Children do not choose between good attention and bad attention. They choose between attention and nothing. If pulling the baby's blanket brings an adult across the room in two seconds and asking politely takes four attempts, the child has learned which method works — accurately.
The usual advice is to ignore it, and that advice is incomplete in a dangerous way. Removing the method without building a faster route to you leaves the need in place, which guarantees a new and worse method.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Children
45 prepared situations in this family area.