Author’s practical guidance
"First this, then that"
Source named in the book: delay and reliability research (Kidd) · Positive Discipline (Nelsen)
The word "then" only works if "then" has a history of arriving.
Say this now
“First shoes, then the park.”
Two items, in order, both real. Nothing else in the sentence.
“You did the first one. Here's the second.”
Deliver it visibly, so the pattern gets recorded.
Do this
- Keep the second thing small enough that you will definitely deliver it.
- Say it once and let it stand.
- Point at the sequence: pictures, two fingers, two objects on the table.
- Never use it for something you will not do.
- Repair it out loud when you fail: "I said park and we didn't go. Tomorrow, first thing."
Avoid this
- "In a minute" when you mean twenty.
- Promising the second thing and forgetting it.
- Using "first" and "then" to disguise an order as a bargain.
If it repeats
Two items at two and a half, three at four. What grows faster than the memory is the trust — a child who trusts the sequence waits longer than a child who is simply older.
Why the book suggests this
The word "then" only works if "then" has a history of arriving. A child who has been told "in a minute" a hundred times and been given nothing has learned something accurate about the future, and they act on it.
There is research on exactly this. Children waited far longer for a reward when the adult had previously kept their word than when the same adult had not. Patience is not only a trait of the child — it is partly a report on the adult.
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.