Author’s practical guidance
Defending what is theirs without hitting
Source named in the book: peer relations research (Dodge; Ladd) · PCIT
A child whose tower is being knocked down has two routes available: hands, or words.
Say this now
“Say: I'm using it.”
Give the exact sentence rather than the category. Then let them say it.
“Your hands stayed down and you told him. That worked.”
Name the successful route out loud so it gets repeated.
Do this
- Rehearse the sentence at home, with toys, when nobody is upset.
- Stand close at first and say it with them, one beat ahead.
- Let the first attempts fail without rescuing — the sentence has to be tried.
- Praise the route, not the outcome. They may say it and still lose the truck.
- Keep the phrase identical everywhere: home, park, daycare.
Avoid this
- "Use your words!" — the instruction assumes the words exist.
- Stepping in and solving it before they have tried anything.
- "Just let him have it." — teaches that their claim is worth less than the peace.
If it repeats
At two the sentence has to be supplied every time. Around three and a half many children use it with a prompt, and by four or five without one — but hands come back whenever they are tired or the group is large.
Why the book suggests this
A child whose tower is being knocked down has two routes available: hands, or words. Hands arrive first because they are already built. Words for this particular job — stop, that's mine, I'm using it — are late, specific, and nobody teaches them directly.
So the useful work is not stopping the hands. It is installing the sentence, in advance, at a moment when nothing is happening — because nothing new is learned during a grab.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.