Author’s practical guidance
Joining a game already in progress
Source named in the book: peer entry research (Dodge; Ladd) · RIE (Gerber)
Three children are building.
Say this now
“Watch for a bit. Find out what they're making.”
Names hovering as a method rather than as shyness.
“Bring them a brick they need.”
Entry through usefulness. It works at three and it still works at thirty.
Do this
- Let them watch as long as they want to. The watching is doing the work.
- Suggest one small contribution that fits what is already happening.
- Do not negotiate entry for them unless they are being excluded deliberately.
- Arrive early to a group so they are inside the game before it forms.
- Debrief afterwards about what worked, not about who was unkind.
Avoid this
- "Go and ask if you can play." — a direct question is the easiest thing in the world to refuse.
- Asking the other children to include them on their behalf.
- "Don't just stand there." — standing there is the first correct step.
If it repeats
At two children play alongside rather than together, and entry is not yet a skill. It becomes one around three, works with coaching by four, and by five most children have their own method — usually the one that worked first.
Why the book suggests this
Three children are building. Yours walks up, takes a brick, and is told to go away. The instinct was reasonable — join by joining — and it fails almost every time.
Research on how children enter groups is unusually practical here. Children who hover nearby, watch, then do something that fits the game already happening are accepted far more often than children who ask permission or start something of their own. "Can I play?" invites a no; handing over the right brick does not.
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.