Author’s practical guidance
Letting them solve the small stuff
Source named in the book: RIE (Gerber) · Positive Discipline (Nelsen)
Two children, one shovel, rising volume.
Say this now
“Two kids, one shovel.”
Describe, do not judge. Said neutrally, it hands the problem back to them.
“You two work it out. I'm here if you need me.”
Announces both the expectation and the safety net.
Do this
- Count to ten before you move. A large share of it ends inside those ten seconds.
- Move closer without speaking. Presence alone lowers the volume.
- Describe rather than rule. Narration is the whole intervention.
- Step in immediately for hands, teeth or safety. That is not negotiable and not a conflict.
- Say what they did afterwards: "You two sorted that out."
Avoid this
- Arriving instantly and deciding whose turn it is.
- Asking "who had it first?" — a question that produces two confident answers.
- Making the older one give in because they are older.
If it repeats
At two, almost everything needs an adult. By three and a half, small disputes over objects often resolve with narration alone. By five children will negotiate rules with each other — badly, loudly, and without you.
Why the book suggests this
Two children, one shovel, rising volume. The adult instinct is to arrive and rule. It ends the noise and it also ends the practice — every conflict an adult settles is one the children did not settle.
Most disputes at this age are small, and a surprising number of them resolve without help if the adult waits. What children need is usually not a judgment but a description: hearing the situation said out loud is often enough for them to fix it themselves.
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.